I love Christmas! I love decorating, celebrating, caroling, movie watching, hosting, baking and eating, and every other good thing that comes with the holidays. But, last year, it was different, and this year, it has already started out not so hot. Why? The loneliness and yearning for someone to share it with, that’s why.
Don’t get me wrong, I have lots of family and friends that I spent time with last year and will again this year. I attended numerous events and parties and entertaining evenings last year. People I love and that love me surrounded me. Yet, I felt more alone than I ever had before.
There were days driving to and from places that I cried in the car, that I thought maybe if I got in an accident, it wouldn’t be so bad. I yearned for someone to spend the holidays with, someone to celebrate traditions with, someone to talk about the events with, someone to spend the holidays with.
Some of you are thinking, “Why was it any different last year from other years. You’ve been single for a long time.” Well, I’ve thought about that a bit and think I have an answer. In previous years as a student or living in Arizona, I went home for Christmas and the whole of the holiday was focused on family being together. Everyone broke from their normal lives for a few days to focus on the festivities. Anticipation helped me get there. While living in China, I knew I wouldn’t be with family and that others were in the same situation as me, so we supported one another.
Now, I’m back in the States and living a regular life, just as everyone else is. We all have our own things to do and places to be and families to spend time with. Yes, I live with family, but they have their own traditions and life. I can be part of it, but it isn’t the same, I feel like an outsider that’s partaking in their holidays not in my own. It would be similar if I spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, or the season with any other friends or family.
Since moving back to Utah, I’ve tried to connect with old friends. They’ve moved on in their lives without room for someone from their past other than an occasional meal or reunion, especially someone that doesn’t fit in their current life with partner, kids, home, etc. I try to cultivate new friendships, but again, I’m inserting myself into other’s lives that are already full, and me doing most of the work and putting forth all the effort is exhausting. It’s no surprise that most of the people I socialize with are from my time in China who probably have had similar experiences with their relocation to Utah due to Covid. However, most of them have their immediate families or were able to return to their previous lives. My immediate family is me, and my previous life was in another state.
I don’t share all of this to make anyone feel bad or call out anyone. I do it to help you understand what some of your brothers and sisters, family and friends might be experiencing during the holidays or in general. I need to share this to help myself process it and find support. Last year was not good for me. That leads to this year.
Side Note: Listen to This!
Before I get into recent events, I want to recommend you all listen to the newest episode of Questions from the Closet about minority stress (Season 4 Episode 7). Ben, Charlie, and their guest, Aliah, get very raw and personal with their experiences. I felt it and could see how minority stress manifests and plays a part in my life. Please listen to the episode as it may help you understand some of the experiences I share here.
Current Events
Temple Night
Let me start with a couple of weeks ago at ward temple night. I love the temple! I have felt so connected to Heavenly Father in temples in ways that have impacted my journey and my life very deeply. The temple is one big reason I hold on and push forward when it can sometimes feel so hopeless and difficult as a gay Latter-day Saint. I attend the temple regularly, but my life allows for me to go during the day when it isn’t so busy. However, to support my ward, I attended the evening session they said we should all go on (that only a handful of us were on). That evening in the Provo City Center Temple was a very different experience from daytime with a session full of young couples.
Normally, I sit in the Celestial Room for a few minutes after an endowment session, but this time I went in the room and saw nearly every seat filled with couples holding hands, leaning close to one another, chatting and whispering.
I want that.
Like never before, it hurt, so I hurried through the room to leave. Then, I went to the social event our ward hosted. My ward is nice, but I don’t think people know how to connect with me. I’m a single gay guy that works as a tour guide. My ward is a more traditional and older ward. I don’t really share much in common with most of them, at least on the surface. People are kind, but I don’t have any real connections with anyone.
David Archuleta
Next, we get to the recent news from David Archuleta about him stepping back from the church. He shared his experience of a church leader (later said to be an apostle) advising him multiple times to find a nice girl to marry, something David had tried doing many times before including engagements that made him physically and mentally ill with suicidal thoughts. I’m not going to focus on David’s experiences, but how they made me feel.
Devastated, though not surprised.
I knew how hard it was for him and could totally understand and that there was a lack of empathy and compassion from others for his struggle. I get it. I’m sad. I empathize with him.
The Depths of Despair
Saturday, I attended an old friend’s wedding open house. I said hi to him and caught up for a minute before he had other guests to greet. I partook of some refreshments, and I left. I knew no one else there and felt out of place. I wished I had someone, a significant someone, to accompany me to things like that. I wouldn’t feel so out of place. That was kind of the last straw of things that had been compounding for months and I broke down, crying as I drove home, sobbing as I prayed that night, my tears wetting my blankets.
It Has Been Compounding for Months
The stress has been compounding for months. Little things like reading the Texas GOP 2022 platform that says: “Homosexuality is an abnormal lifestyle choice,” and knowing that I have lots of friends and probably family that support them with little question. Or, hearing media talking heads condemning Disney for daring to portray gay characters in their movies because it will “harm children.” Perhaps it’s the targeted campaigns across the country claiming to protect the moral soul of our nation by targeting story time events or books that happen to include main characters who experience anything but what they deem acceptable.
Or, maybe its waking yesterday morning to news of a person shooting up a gay nightclub in Colorado killing five and injuring two dozen others. Add to that that the perpetrator is supposedly connected to the church I am a part of. Think about the stress I must experience. It’s enough that I’ve had a friend ask me regularly throughout the year how my Sunday was just to check in on me because some discussions, talks, and lessons can be difficult.
(If you want to discuss any of these things with me, let’s find a time. I’m open to hearing why they are evil and will probably agree with you on some of your points. I’ll also share the story of the drag queen that performed at a prophet’s birthday party after a future president of the church recited poetry.)
Everyday Stress and Loneliness
But it’s more than the big headlines that have compounded for me this year and brought me to the brink this weekend. It’s the everyday stress and loneliness.
I was really busy most of the summer with lots of work. This is great! I love my job. It also meant traveling a lot for some of the tours. This can be hard, tiring work that can drain you when you’re going back to back to back. During all of that, I wanted someone to share it with, to talk with about it, to care about what I was doing.
When my brother travels for work, he calls his wife and they chat about it. They’re a companionship, a partnership that is invested in each other’s lives like nobody else can be. I don’t have that. Yes, I have friends and family I can call and text, but admit it, that’s not the same. You don’t call your parents or siblings or friends and talk and share with them the same way you do your spouse. You don’t want people to pity you.
I want somebody to ask about my day and take an interest in my work when I get home. I need someone I can call when they’re doing something and need someone to talk with. I need someone to be one with, to be a part of my life and me a part of theirs.
This is what has been compounding and all came to a head with the recent events and beginning of the holiday season. As I started decorating, I wondered if I should even try. I have nobody to share it with. I didn’t want to have another holiday season like last year full of loneliness while surrounded by loved ones. I don’t want that, but I’ll power through. Some of you will send me words of encouragement, invites to your place, and give me extra hugs, but it won’t fill that void. It will be temporary.
Why do I ramble on like this? I don’t want to complain. I don’t want to make anyone feel bad. But, if you listen to my experiences, maybe it will add a little compassion to your life for people like me and even people not like me in your lives. Hopefully, you won’t judge them or add to the stress that already exists in their lives. Hopefully, you’ll help relieve some of that burden and be a safe person they can trust.
Anyway, that’s what I had to get off my chest and out of my head. There’s more, but that will have to suffice for now. God bless.